Sometimes, advocacy just creeps right up on you.
The other night at dinner, we were talking about silly names, and Andrew said he should be called "Mustache McGee". That made me snicker and recall some ridiculous moment from what I remembered as a scene from Saturday Night Live (I later learned that it was actually from a Will Ferrell movie, but whatever). When the kids asked what I was smiling about, I told them it shouldn't be mentioned at the dinner table. Andrew immediately thought I was referring to something with a swear word, and I then had to explain to him that while some words aren't "bad" like swear words, they just aren't nice and shouldn't be used.
"Like 'retard', or 'retarded'?" asked my daughter, her eyes wide.
Whoa. Until then, I naively thought that my kids were just oblivious to that word. They know some swear words, sure, but we don't use the r-word and I didn't think they were really exposed to it. I was wrong.
Addie and Andrew proceeded to tell me that they hear the r-word used on their playground at school. From their stories, it doesn't sound like it's used in a name-calling way, but more like an "Oh, I missed that goal, that's so retarded!" kind of way. I probably shouldn't have been, but I was stunned. But, the kids kept talking.
They told us that they correct people when they hear them use the r-word. We also learned that the accessible playground equipment is monitored by our kids, and when they see someone not using it properly, they speak up.
I was so proud to hear of my young advocates speaking up for what they know is right. But, I was sad to hear that this awful word is still so prevalent among young people. Why aren't more adults standing up against hurtful language?
I think it probably comes down to a few reasons. Topping that list: people still don't understand that the language they choose is important. When I correct someone for throwing out the r-word, I am usually immediately told "I didn't mean it that way". Do yourself a favor, and start paying attention to any derogatory language you use, and then make a real effort to discontinue it. This isn't something you do just for yourself; other people are listening to the words you choose, including your kids. If a child hears their parent saying something, then they probably won't hesitate to repeat it. Most times, they don't know any better, but the adult in this scenario should. This is a difficult transformation to make, but let's give it a try, shall we?
Beyond that, there are probably people who just don't care, and we can just hope that through our advocacy we can continue to change those mindsets. There are most likely others who think their kids would never say such awful things so they don't address it with them. This is a big issue, far beyond language choices. I don't think my kids would ever bully someone, do drugs, or steal from others, but we still have discussions about why those things are wrong. Why aren't we doing that when it comes to issues of respect? Even if you don't think your kids would ever use the r-word, it's still worth a conversation so that they know why it's wrong. This is how we build advocates.
I don't think this is something that will easily go away. Too many people think it's funny to use the r-word, and too many people find it acceptable to disrespect anyone who is different. This will not keep me from spreading awareness, though. From our dinner time conversation, I now know that my kids are on board with me, and for now, I'll take that as a win.
Sunday, June 25, 2017
Friday, June 16, 2017
Pizza Is Our Friend
Sometimes, I have a momentary lack of judgement as a mother. Today brought one of those times.
Because Andrew needed picked up from day camp at 4pm, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to go shopping for Father's Day gifts, since we would already be out.
Right before rush hour.
In the midst of ridiculous construction traffic. (Seriously, close more roads.)
When everyone was tired after a looooooong week.
So, yeah, lack of judgement. But, the kids did want to select treasures to present to their dad on Sunday, so we had to carry on with our mission. After sitting through relentless traffic, we made it to Target, and I discovered that Alex had fallen asleep. Major dilemma! I knew he would be a wreck after waking up, making our cranky shopping trip even worse, but it took us about 35 minutes to go five miles, and I wasn't about to commit to trying again on Saturday.
We waited about 10 minutes, until Alex groggily agreed to walk into Target, but we weren't four steps into the store before the kids wreaking havoc. Hanging right by the door was a large collection of Cavs t-shirts, which immediately caught Andrew's eye. He wanted to give Mark a playoff t-shirt (I talked him out of that one; can you really expect a jilted fan to wear a playoff tee when their team lost??), and then a kids' t-shirt (again, talked him out of it), all while Alex stealthily moved away from us, hunting for the Hot Wheels. And, as per typical Kearns Target Protocol, Andrew announced loudly that he needed to pee, causing the boys to race to the bathroom.
After bladders were voided, we started our gift hunt once again. Alex, still desperately wanting to find the Hot Wheels (for himself, mind you, not as part of his dad's gift), planted himself in the middle of an aisle while the younger kids debated on another gift idea. There he sat, in all his angry criss-cross-applesauce glory, while other shoppers pretended to not watch the Kearns Family Circus. Eventually, he was back on his feet and we continued on with our shopping.
Once we finished at Target, we got back into the annoying traffic, and headed toward the grocery store. We were all even more hot and grumpy, and I knew the quick stop at Kroger was going to be a nightmare.
The kids did not disappoint.
They fought over which cart to choose, who would push the cart, what we were buying, through which line we would check out. Alex attempted to run down at least three other shoppers with our cart (and please, for the love of everything pure and good, if he ever tries to do this to you, do NOT smile and say "It's ok!" while I am reprimanding him...but that's another blog for another time).
We stumbled back out into the parking lot, loaded up our groceries, and Alex reminded me for the 432nd time that I had promised him a pizza for dinner. Fortunately for him, I was in no mood to cook AND I had a coupon AND I could pick up the pizza to save the delivery charge and tip. I ordered online and decided that I would stop and pick up a little treat for my own dinner while we waited for Al's pizza. We finally reached our fourth and final stop (hallelujah!): the pizza joint. I pulled out my phone and checked to make sure we weren't too early, although it had been at least 15 minutes which was plenty of time to make a plain cheese pizza. Right?
Wrong!! Why on earth did they need 65-75 minutes to prepare my takeout order? I had no idea, but I was determined to find out.
I marched the kids inside and pointed at a bench; they must have sensed my exasperation because they all sat down (in birth order, no less!), wide eyed and ready to watch their mom handle the situation.
I began my sob story to the young woman behind the counter: "I ordered 15 minutes ago," "we've sat in traffic all evening," "my kid has a disability and I promised him this pizza." I quickly realized that I had draped myself over the counter, arms splayed out as I leaned in (probably looking crazed and scary!), but I went one further: "You're gonna need to help me out here. I either need a refund, or a pizza, like right now!" I wasn't rude, as it wasn't this person's fault, but it was obvious that I was agitated.
The young woman looked at me with a rather incredulous gaze, quietly asked for my name, and then said "You're pizza is ready!" I stood up straight, smoothed out my shirt, lifted my chin, and signed the receipt. I then herded the kids back to the car and we once again slid into our place in traffic and eventually made it home.
I could blame the erroneous confirmation email on a wonky automated system, but no. You know why that pizza was ready after 15 minutes and not 65? BECAUSE PIZZA IS OUR FRIEND AND WILL NEVER LET US DOWN. I just know it.
I also know that I really, really need a vacation. Or, at the very least, a day without being imprisoned in my car with all three kids, stuck in traffic.
Yay, summer.
Because Andrew needed picked up from day camp at 4pm, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to go shopping for Father's Day gifts, since we would already be out.
Right before rush hour.
In the midst of ridiculous construction traffic. (Seriously, close more roads.)
When everyone was tired after a looooooong week.
So, yeah, lack of judgement. But, the kids did want to select treasures to present to their dad on Sunday, so we had to carry on with our mission. After sitting through relentless traffic, we made it to Target, and I discovered that Alex had fallen asleep. Major dilemma! I knew he would be a wreck after waking up, making our cranky shopping trip even worse, but it took us about 35 minutes to go five miles, and I wasn't about to commit to trying again on Saturday.
We waited about 10 minutes, until Alex groggily agreed to walk into Target, but we weren't four steps into the store before the kids wreaking havoc. Hanging right by the door was a large collection of Cavs t-shirts, which immediately caught Andrew's eye. He wanted to give Mark a playoff t-shirt (I talked him out of that one; can you really expect a jilted fan to wear a playoff tee when their team lost??), and then a kids' t-shirt (again, talked him out of it), all while Alex stealthily moved away from us, hunting for the Hot Wheels. And, as per typical Kearns Target Protocol, Andrew announced loudly that he needed to pee, causing the boys to race to the bathroom.
After bladders were voided, we started our gift hunt once again. Alex, still desperately wanting to find the Hot Wheels (for himself, mind you, not as part of his dad's gift), planted himself in the middle of an aisle while the younger kids debated on another gift idea. There he sat, in all his angry criss-cross-applesauce glory, while other shoppers pretended to not watch the Kearns Family Circus. Eventually, he was back on his feet and we continued on with our shopping.
Once we finished at Target, we got back into the annoying traffic, and headed toward the grocery store. We were all even more hot and grumpy, and I knew the quick stop at Kroger was going to be a nightmare.
The kids did not disappoint.
They fought over which cart to choose, who would push the cart, what we were buying, through which line we would check out. Alex attempted to run down at least three other shoppers with our cart (and please, for the love of everything pure and good, if he ever tries to do this to you, do NOT smile and say "It's ok!" while I am reprimanding him...but that's another blog for another time).
We stumbled back out into the parking lot, loaded up our groceries, and Alex reminded me for the 432nd time that I had promised him a pizza for dinner. Fortunately for him, I was in no mood to cook AND I had a coupon AND I could pick up the pizza to save the delivery charge and tip. I ordered online and decided that I would stop and pick up a little treat for my own dinner while we waited for Al's pizza. We finally reached our fourth and final stop (hallelujah!): the pizza joint. I pulled out my phone and checked to make sure we weren't too early, although it had been at least 15 minutes which was plenty of time to make a plain cheese pizza. Right?
Wrong!! Why on earth did they need 65-75 minutes to prepare my takeout order? I had no idea, but I was determined to find out.
I marched the kids inside and pointed at a bench; they must have sensed my exasperation because they all sat down (in birth order, no less!), wide eyed and ready to watch their mom handle the situation.
I began my sob story to the young woman behind the counter: "I ordered 15 minutes ago," "we've sat in traffic all evening," "my kid has a disability and I promised him this pizza." I quickly realized that I had draped myself over the counter, arms splayed out as I leaned in (probably looking crazed and scary!), but I went one further: "You're gonna need to help me out here. I either need a refund, or a pizza, like right now!" I wasn't rude, as it wasn't this person's fault, but it was obvious that I was agitated.
The young woman looked at me with a rather incredulous gaze, quietly asked for my name, and then said "You're pizza is ready!" I stood up straight, smoothed out my shirt, lifted my chin, and signed the receipt. I then herded the kids back to the car and we once again slid into our place in traffic and eventually made it home.
I could blame the erroneous confirmation email on a wonky automated system, but no. You know why that pizza was ready after 15 minutes and not 65? BECAUSE PIZZA IS OUR FRIEND AND WILL NEVER LET US DOWN. I just know it.
I also know that I really, really need a vacation. Or, at the very least, a day without being imprisoned in my car with all three kids, stuck in traffic.
Yay, summer.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
An IEP Poem
'Twas the night before the IEP
annual update and review.
Mom lies awake in her bed,
wondering "What more can we do??"
Her boy deserves the best.
He's more than a label.
How well could she express that,
sitting nervously at that table?
She's fought for so long,
and is more than a bit tired.
But the dreams of her boy
have kept her inspired.
So they've called in extra help,
and will hope for the best.
Her strength and her courage
will be put to the test.
For him she'd do anything,
so this she'll do, too.
They will advocate tirelessly
for one of the Lucky Few.
annual update and review.
Mom lies awake in her bed,
wondering "What more can we do??"
Her boy deserves the best.
He's more than a label.
How well could she express that,
sitting nervously at that table?
She's fought for so long,
and is more than a bit tired.
But the dreams of her boy
have kept her inspired.
So they've called in extra help,
and will hope for the best.
Her strength and her courage
will be put to the test.
For him she'd do anything,
so this she'll do, too.
They will advocate tirelessly
for one of the Lucky Few.
Monday, February 6, 2017
In Defense of Caillou
These days, there is so much controversy on the internet. While I swore that I would not contribute to the nonsense, I just can't hold it back any longer. I've been holding this in for a long time, and I know you will probably have some pretty strong opinions about this, but I feel that I'm overdue in my confession.
I don't hate Caillou.
Parents disagree an many things; thanks to those moms' groups on Facebook, it's clear that there are no shortages when it comes to differences in opinion. One thing that I've found that most everyone agrees on, though, is their undying hatred of the whiny cartoon character, Caillou. I completely understand why parents don't like him; as cartoons go, his is quite annoying. But that animated preschooler has bought me too many much-needed breaks from parenting that I otherwise would not have had, so I feel I must defend him.
Before judging me as an unfit mother, allow me to explain. My oldest son has Down syndrome, and very much enjoys routines. When he was younger, he became quite attached to Caillou, and after seeing how long he sat and quietly enjoyed the show, I eagerly agreed to let him watch it. It was well worth listening to the 20 minutes of obnoxious Caillou lessons each day to be able to catch up on tasks around the house...or even just sit and zone out while my kid happily indulged in his favorite show.
Even now, at almost 13 years old, my son will occasionally veg out with Caillou. It's a comforting, familiar groove, and I'm not about to argue with him about it. Is the show still annoying? Absolutely! And, not only is the sound of his voice just as irritating, but it's also very difficult to find an outlet on which to watch Caillou (all you haters have done a good job in making him scarce!). But, I still need those breaks from special needs parenting that sometimes only a petulant, fictitious kid can provide, so I will always feel the need to defend his existence.
So, there you have it, my darkest secret. I am thankful for Caillou. This parenting gig can be so weird.
I don't hate Caillou.
Parents disagree an many things; thanks to those moms' groups on Facebook, it's clear that there are no shortages when it comes to differences in opinion. One thing that I've found that most everyone agrees on, though, is their undying hatred of the whiny cartoon character, Caillou. I completely understand why parents don't like him; as cartoons go, his is quite annoying. But that animated preschooler has bought me too many much-needed breaks from parenting that I otherwise would not have had, so I feel I must defend him.
Before judging me as an unfit mother, allow me to explain. My oldest son has Down syndrome, and very much enjoys routines. When he was younger, he became quite attached to Caillou, and after seeing how long he sat and quietly enjoyed the show, I eagerly agreed to let him watch it. It was well worth listening to the 20 minutes of obnoxious Caillou lessons each day to be able to catch up on tasks around the house...or even just sit and zone out while my kid happily indulged in his favorite show.
Even now, at almost 13 years old, my son will occasionally veg out with Caillou. It's a comforting, familiar groove, and I'm not about to argue with him about it. Is the show still annoying? Absolutely! And, not only is the sound of his voice just as irritating, but it's also very difficult to find an outlet on which to watch Caillou (all you haters have done a good job in making him scarce!). But, I still need those breaks from special needs parenting that sometimes only a petulant, fictitious kid can provide, so I will always feel the need to defend his existence.
So, there you have it, my darkest secret. I am thankful for Caillou. This parenting gig can be so weird.
This represents 60 minutes of peace and quiet...
Sunday, January 1, 2017
#JFKpositive365
In addition to writing more in 2017, I'm also challenging myself to recognize the positive moments that occur each day. Big or small, I'm hoping these moments will help me balance out the chaotic, overwhelming nonsense that tends to crowd my mind. (Ah, the glamorous life of a special needs parent!)
The first entry in this exercise? FaceTiming with Alex earlier this evening. As difficult as he can be, he always tells me his misses me when we are apart.
Friday, November 4, 2016
My Son with Down Syndrome Ran for Student Council Representative
To say that I am a passionate advocate for inclusion may be an understatement. Having a son with Down syndrome has taught me many things, but perhaps the most important lesson is that we must see beyond labels and afford everyone the opportunities they need to truly be included in their communities.
A couple of weeks ago, I noticed in the school's daily email blast that it was time for Student Council elections. I will admit it: I geeked out. I was a Student Council representative in middle school, and held office in high school, and I loved it. You really don't need any special talents or abilities to serve your school as a member of Student Council, so it allows everyone - from the most shy, to the most popular; from the introverted book worm to the star athlete - to feel like they can contribute. Typically, Student Council reps and officers are voted in by their peers, and because everyone gets a vote, everyone gets to participate in the process.
The ever-determined advocate in me decided to pitch the idea to Alex; what a great way for him to get involved at school! After I explained to Al what it was, and what he would do if elected, he decided that he would like to throw his hat in the race. We requested an application packet, and when he brought it home, we got to work. He dictated his answers to the student questionnaire, I wrote them down for him. He selected three teachers to whom he would give the teacher recommendation form; I sent an email alerting them that he would be bringing the form.
Preparing his "campaign speech" was a bit more challenging. He has performed in many school plays and church programs, and has no problem speaking in front of groups of people. However, reading scripts has occasionally proven difficult in the past, so someone has stood by to prompt him through his lines. I requested that either a peer buddy or an aide prompt him during his speech, and we practiced and practiced at home. The morning of the election, I received this photo, showing that he did indeed deliver his speech to persuade his homeroom classmates to vote for him.
Elections results were supposed to be announced today, but I didn't hear an official announcement of the outcome. I can gather, though, that Alex was not elected as his homeroom's Student Council representative. While it would have been incredibly cool to have a student with Down syndrome elected to represent his peers, I'm still very proud of Alex. He accomplished so much just by trying! He showed his peers that he is, indeed, an equal and able member of their class. He demonstrated that all students can easily be included, when modifications are made. He proved, again, that we should constantly be seeking out the abilities of those around us, and not shortchanging them because we don't think they are capable.
Well done, Alex. And don't worry...you can try again next year. #InclusionMatters
A couple of weeks ago, I noticed in the school's daily email blast that it was time for Student Council elections. I will admit it: I geeked out. I was a Student Council representative in middle school, and held office in high school, and I loved it. You really don't need any special talents or abilities to serve your school as a member of Student Council, so it allows everyone - from the most shy, to the most popular; from the introverted book worm to the star athlete - to feel like they can contribute. Typically, Student Council reps and officers are voted in by their peers, and because everyone gets a vote, everyone gets to participate in the process.
The ever-determined advocate in me decided to pitch the idea to Alex; what a great way for him to get involved at school! After I explained to Al what it was, and what he would do if elected, he decided that he would like to throw his hat in the race. We requested an application packet, and when he brought it home, we got to work. He dictated his answers to the student questionnaire, I wrote them down for him. He selected three teachers to whom he would give the teacher recommendation form; I sent an email alerting them that he would be bringing the form.
Preparing his "campaign speech" was a bit more challenging. He has performed in many school plays and church programs, and has no problem speaking in front of groups of people. However, reading scripts has occasionally proven difficult in the past, so someone has stood by to prompt him through his lines. I requested that either a peer buddy or an aide prompt him during his speech, and we practiced and practiced at home. The morning of the election, I received this photo, showing that he did indeed deliver his speech to persuade his homeroom classmates to vote for him.
Elections results were supposed to be announced today, but I didn't hear an official announcement of the outcome. I can gather, though, that Alex was not elected as his homeroom's Student Council representative. While it would have been incredibly cool to have a student with Down syndrome elected to represent his peers, I'm still very proud of Alex. He accomplished so much just by trying! He showed his peers that he is, indeed, an equal and able member of their class. He demonstrated that all students can easily be included, when modifications are made. He proved, again, that we should constantly be seeking out the abilities of those around us, and not shortchanging them because we don't think they are capable.
Well done, Alex. And don't worry...you can try again next year. #InclusionMatters
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
November
Several years ago, I started a new year with a goal to blog every day. I was successful; not every post was worthy of reading, but there are 365 posts from 2014. This year, I contemplated participating in the #NaNoWriMo challenge, but decided against it. It's been a long time since I've even blogged, so how would I find time to write a novel?!?
As a compromise, I am going to relaunch my blog and hopefully find (make?) more time to spend at my computer. I have a whole list of ideas, just waiting to take shape on my screen, and I do miss sharing my musings. We'll see how it goes. I do know one thing: this could be the last blog I write on my phone. Hopefully I've caught all the typos...
Happy November!
As a compromise, I am going to relaunch my blog and hopefully find (make?) more time to spend at my computer. I have a whole list of ideas, just waiting to take shape on my screen, and I do miss sharing my musings. We'll see how it goes. I do know one thing: this could be the last blog I write on my phone. Hopefully I've caught all the typos...
Happy November!
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